Patriotic Songs for Our Newest National Protectors

It has been noted, on this blog and elsewhere, that the sense of national emergency over the last three weeks has been eerily reminiscent of various national security threats we’ve encountered in the last eight years.  The important difference, of course, is that the Army, Navy, Marines, and Air Force have been completely unable to help us out of this crisis.  Only Hank Paulson and Ben Bernanke could do anything about it.  They were kind enough to ask Congress for permission, but as we’ve noted, they went ahead with a back-door bailout anyway, even before Congress consented.

Now that Congress has ratified it, however, the new reality is that our economic security — and therefore, it is widely believed, our national security — now depends on a new part of the executive branch.  It seems only fair that this newest guarantor of our lives and our fortunes (though not, I think, our sacred honor) should have some patriotic songs to celebrate its important new role.

As you may have guessed, I have some modest suggestions, modeled on the songs of the various armed services.  I hope reasonable minds will add verses to these, or suggest others, in the comments.

THE BAILOUTS GO ROLLING ALONG
sung to the tune of The Army Goes Rolling Along

Over hill, over dale, our economy is frail
So the bailouts go rolling along.
Wall Street banks, strapped for cash, need the feds to buy their trash
So the bailouts go rolling along.

When the credit crunch ate investment banks for lunch,
They asked — and boy! did they receive!
If you’re big enough, Congress likes to give you stuff,
So the bailouts go rolling along.

CEOs get the checks, we get debt up to our necks,
As the bailouts go rolling along.
We add their lousy bets to our massive national debts,
As the bailouts go rolling along.

When the credit crunch ate investment banks for lunch,
They asked — and boy! did they receive!
If you’re big enough, Congress likes to give you stuff,
So the bailouts go rolling along.

THE TREASURY HYMN
sung to the tune of The Marines’ Hymn
(“From the Halls of Montezuma . . .”)

From the State of California
To the auto industry,
We will pay to quash the mere idea
Of responsibility.

First to pay for any failure,
Losing trust in markets free;
We are quick to dole out billions
From the U.S. Treasury.


THE FEDERAL RESERVE SONG
sung to the tune of the Air Force Song
(“Off we go into the wild blue yonder . . . “)

Off we go into some more inflation
Printing up piles of cash.
Rich and poor, throughout this great, wide nation
Come to us when they’ve been rash.

Down someday into a new depression;
Hope our kids suffer instead;
If you’ve got clout we’ll bail you out
For nothing’ll stop Bernanke’s new Fed.

Maestros past gave us a moral hazard
Pumping up money supply.
Giant banks used it to make loans absurd;
Bonuses shot to the sky.

Ev’ryone knows that it must end someday,
But for now, credit is cheap;
If you’ve got clout we’ll bail you out
(From losses of course; the profits you keep).

HANK IS O.K.
sung to the tune of Anchors Aweigh

Hank is O.K., my friends,
Hank is O.K.!
He’ll buy us half of Wall Street
Just like AIG (Gee!  Gee!  Gee!)

Millions of sub-prime loans
With defaults high;
Hank bought them all for us
Except for Lehman’s (no one knows just why).

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6 Responses to “Patriotic Songs for Our Newest National Protectors”

  1. Margaret Says:

    This is great. Im passing it along.
    Iwish there were a song for those Congressmen who enlarged their pockets or their constituents by add ons, and leaving taxpayers with millions more to pay.
    Unfair and shame on them. Where is their decency and honor?

  2. Mark Grannis Says:

    I haven’t got a song for them, Margaret — not yet anyway — but here is a list of them, from the Libertarian Party blog:

    Abercrombie, Neil [D]
    Baca, Joe [D]
    Berkley, Shelley [D]
    Braley, Bruce [D]
    Carson, André [D]
    Cleaver, Emanuel [D]
    Cuellar, Henry [D]
    Cummings, Elijah [D]
    Edwards, Donna [D]
    Giffords, Gabrielle [D]
    Green, Al [D]
    Hirono, Mazie [D]
    Jackson, Jesse [D]
    Jackson-Lee, Sheila [D]
    Kilpatrick, Carolyn [D]
    Lee, Barbara [D]
    Lewis, John [D]
    Mitchell, Harry [D]
    Ortiz, Solomon [D]
    Pascrell, William [D]
    Pastor, Edward [D]
    Rush, Bobby [D]
    Schiff, Adam [D]
    Scott, David [D]
    Solis, Hilda [D]
    Sutton, Betty [D]
    Thompson, C. [D]
    Tierney, John [D]
    Watson, Diane [D]
    Welch, Peter [D]
    Woolsey, Lynn [D]
    Wu, David [D]
    Yarmuth, John [D]

    Alexander, Rodney [R]
    Barrett, James [R]
    Biggert, Judy [R]
    Boustany, Charles [R]
    Buchanan, Vern [R]
    Coble, Howard [R]
    Conaway, K. [R]
    Dent, Charles [R]
    Fallin, Mary [R]
    Frelinghuysen, Rodney [R]
    Gerlach, Jim [R]
    Hoekstra, Peter [R]
    Knollenberg, Joseph [R]
    Kuhl, John [R]
    Myrick, Sue [R]
    Ramstad, James [R]
    Ros-Lehtinen, Ileana [R]
    Schmidt, Jean [R]
    Shadegg, John [R]
    Shuster, William [R]
    Sullivan, John [R]
    Terry, Lee [R]
    Thornberry, William [R]
    Tiberi, Patrick [R]
    Wamp, Zach [R]

    Fifty-eight Democrats and twenty-five Republicans.

  3. Tim Naughton Says:

    Are you secretly writing for http://www.planetwashingtondotcom?

  4. Sean Collins Says:

    Please, please don’t tell Ken.

  5. Steve Grannis Says:

    Try a non-military patriotic song, like America the Beautiful:

    O beautiful, for CEOs,
    Those poor guys on Wall Street,
    From Merrill Lynch to Lehman Bros.,
    They just can’t make ends meet!

    The bailouts, the bailouts,
    are just the fix we need!
    “Expunge the debts, with no regrets,”
    We’re hearing from DC!

    O beautiful, for Congressmen,
    To fly home to campaign.
    It’s easier to take the stage
    when voters feel no pain!

    The bailouts, the bailouts,
    are just the fix we need!
    “Expunge the debts, with no regrets,”
    We’re hearing from DC!

    O beautiful, for pension funds,
    At least that’s what they think.
    Fresh mounds of cash will save their ass
    From going down the drink!

    The bailouts, the bailouts,
    are just the fix we need!
    “Expunge the debts, with no regrets,”
    We’re hearing from DC!

    O beautiful, for all of us
    To never have to learn
    That deficits create a mess.
    Why spend less than we earn?!

    The bailouts, the bailouts,
    are just the fix we need!
    “Expunge the debts, with no regrets,”
    We’re hearing from DC!

    O beautiful, for socialists;
    Free markets took the hit.
    It’s wonderful to sit at home
    And wait for your free s*hit!

    The bailouts, the bailouts,
    are just the fix we need!
    “Expunge the debts, with no regrets,”
    We’re hearing from DC!

    O beautiful, for candidates
    Obama and McCain.
    They care for us, ignore the fuss.
    The other guy’s to blame!

    The bailouts, the bailouts,
    are just the fix we need!
    “Expunge the debts, with no regrets,”
    We’re hearing from DC!

  6. Mark Grannis Says:

    Very moving. My cyber-hat is off to you.


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